It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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