whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I can text with my tongue
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
