well I can't set my house on fire every night
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
