Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize