Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
