respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
