You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
