Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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