Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
