I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
