I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Randomize
