When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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