I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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