also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
