my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
