I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
