yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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