I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
