Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
