I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize