Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We need to get me chipped asap
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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