She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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