he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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