wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
is it fun? or sober?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
