I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
