I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
