My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I have already put on my inside pants.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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