9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
