I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
