how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
