are you so shy because you have an std?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
