I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I did not marry a roomba.
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