It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
