why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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