if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
