I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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