I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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