I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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