I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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