Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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