So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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