a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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