last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
