I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize