just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
