btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well I just put wine in my tea
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
