Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
