i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
