My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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