I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
