just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
if only i could text you this smell
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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