So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
