I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
