Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
