So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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