Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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